Tag: grief

Adrift and bereft

I haven’t written in a while. I was transitioning in my feelings from numb to grieving, once again death called a friend home and left me feeling adrift and bereft. Untethered just floating in a sea of feelings and unleashed emotions

Death is hard, but unexpected death, one not a result of some chronic or terminal illness is even harder; especially when it’s a best friend. A confidante and kindred spirit, someone that you laughingly joked about growing old with. It was surreal seeing her lifeless and so still. She had always been so lively and full of life. Her Aura would bring light to any room, but death robbed the world of her presence.

I’m a spiritual being so I know all souls belong to the Creator and are only on a short loan to those of us that live in this earthly world. Even knowing and understanding her latter end doesn’t make the pain any less intense.

Witnessing another mother bury her child is something I dread each and every time, because by nature I’m an empath and I feel things deeply and knowing I can do nothing to repair the hole left is gut wrenching. Of course I can offer help and sympathy but those things don’t touch that feeling that resides deep in one’s soul when they suffer the loss of someone close to them. I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like for a mother to lose the very person that grew inside her womb.

The older I get it seems the more prayers and condolences I extend, and yet the world keeps turning and days continue into night. And although death changes the world of those effected, the rest of the world goes on. And although at times you wish you could curl up in a ball and just forget about everything and everyone else, you can’t, because you still have life within you.

And because you inherently know you have a responsibility to keep the memory and love of the deceased alive. So you surf the waves of your grief, you allow yourself to feel, but you fight to keep your head above water because you don’t want to purposely hasten your own demise and be the cause of someone’s else’s grief.

The circle of life keeps turning much like the earth. We latch on to friends and family and every golden memory we can in an effort to establish a new normal.

That’s where I find myself, trying to find my new normal, without one of my best friend’s advice and input, one without her notes left in my library books on the hold shelf. A life that is without her text messages full of inside jokes and one that is without her book nerd humor and shared favorite authors and titles. One without her voice and knowing they’ll be no new songs sung it’s all still so hard to comprehend.

But I know she would push me forward and want me to accomplish all the goals and dreams we had discussed. She’d want to see me smile and laugh and enjoy life fully. So some way somehow I will, because to keep a smile on my face and joy in my heart may just be one of the best ways to remember her.

Missing you and loving you forever my friend

In Loving Memory of Hilakiyah Yisrael 3/10/1970-5/5/2019

~Micaiah

Circle of life

The difference between life and death is literally breath!

In order to be blessed with the gift of life, you will at some point and time experience the pain of physical death. I say physical death because the spirit of a person lives far beyond the physical body is capable of.

Remember, life although a blessing does not always seem fair and likewise death does not discriminate taking old and young alike.

It’s hard not to question those things which you truly do not understand, it does not make you a bad person it makes you one that is hurting.

How you deal with death is a personal thing and likewise so is the grieving process.

No one can tell someone else how to grieve or what an acceptable grieving time frame should be.

Rather we have to understand that there are varying stages of grief and they are not always followed in a logical or sequential order.

Loss of life causes a gaping hole in the lives of those connected to the person.

We grieve not just the loss of life, but sometimes we lose purpose and connection that the person afforded us.

For those who have become caregivers of the deceased, we have to now find something to fill the free time we find ourselves with.

What do we do with ourselves when our days are no longer bombarded with caring for others, doctors appointments, cooking, cleaning and the like?

What happens when we are no longer busy, being busy?

That is usually the time when grief becomes real, after the memorials, funerals and family have all gone back to living their lives.

The grief can be enveloping and if you are not careful, all consuming. It can be the heaviest thing you have ever carried in your life and without a support system, it can overtake and overpower you.

Whether that support system is friends/family, spirituality or faith based, ground yourself in that support.

It’s easy to isolate yourself and feel as if no one else knows the pain of your loss and while all loss is individualized in how it affects you, there are many others that have felt the pain of loss in their lives.

I have learned through the many experiences I have had with death, those occurring naturally and even murder, ranging from miscarriage, childhood best friends, parents, sibling and other family members that the best way to honor a death is to keep or start living a purpose filled life.

Death, if nothing else, teaches us that time is limited and for some it is more limited than for others.

We must live each day with the determination to live our best life. It is the simplest way to honor the love, legacy and spirit of those that have gone before us.

Does that mean we won’t have days filled with tears or intermittent moments of sadness, of course not, emotions and the ability to express those feelings make us intimately more human.

But don’t drown in those depressed emotions, because life with all its twists and turns is a true gift and we must go on!

Time doesn’t truly erase all grief, but it does make it a lighter load to bear!

So brush off the happiest memory you can find from the recesses of your mind and clothe yourself in that memory.

Let the warmth of that moment envelope you and let the smile that it brings act as a light to illuminate all your darkest hours.

Go forth love, laugh and most of all LIVE!!

~micaiah

 

 

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