Changing Seasons

Her heart was warm and vibrant pumping a selfless type of love

It pumped until its chambers were depleted

a supply unreciprocated will dry up

and like the changing seasons

her personality changed too

unrequited love changed her confidence into insecurity

She couldn’t quite remember when she lost sight of herself

She’s pretty sure it happened when she was pouring so much into others

Somehow they gained vibrancy at her expense as she turned into a less vibrant copy of her former self

Somehow she started to internalize the outward inaction of another and took ownership of issues that didn’t start with her

and they allowed her to because she was to magnificent to behold in all her technicolor majestic-ness

But with her bathed in shades of grey they seemed so much more appealing than they actually were

So they attempted to lull her into accepting the fantasy as a reality

and for a while they were successful

they tied those rose colored glasses to her face with strings of lies, laden with whispers of sweet nothings and orgasmic soul ties

Emotions took control and logic took a back seat

And the color continued to be drained from her

until her insides were as black as a starless night

She lost her zeal and ultimately her appeal and the love leech went scouting for a new host

leaving her to fall freely

and for a while she lay there covered in blackness and feeling buried

until realizing during her fall those glasses and bindings were knocked loose

there was a light in the darkness

as she sprouted from the darkness

she realized she was never buried

she was planted

and as she grew into a new version of herself

her color returned

along with a fierce love of self

the season had changed and

so had she

this was her season

she was back and more vibrant than before

because she realized her moment of weakness and falling

did not define her

her ability

to get back up did.

~micaiah

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A love more deserving

She loved him past his faults

And despite his flaws.

She loved him when his words

didn’t match his actions.

She loved his potential,

her vision of how great he could be.

She loved him

until

she realized her love

couldn’t change him

no, only he could do that.

And while she loved him,

through the hurt and disappointment,

she grew and evolved

to the point she recognized

it was time to let go

and love herself more

than she loved him.

And when she let go,

she allowed herself

to be blessed

with a love more deserving.

~micaiah

Kissing frogs

Don’t allow yourself to self-sabotage future relationships. You deserve the very best that life and love has to offer. You just have to be willing to see the blessings in the lesson.

Sometimes we have to kiss a few frogs in order to fully appreciate when we find our “One”. The frog isn’t a punishment, it’s a teachable moment. Sometimes they teach us patience and sometimes they teach us exactly what we don’t want in a mate.

Either way use the experience as a catalyst for growth. Experience is the best teacher, but sometimes it takes a whole lot of trial and error to come up with the winning combination.

~Micaiah

How much do you love you?

A lot of us are great at being honest with everyone but ourselves. We will scream and shout how much we love ourselves and refuse to settle when it comes to how someone else may treat us, but we forget to demand that same level from ourselves.

If you truly love yourself, you’ll work towards being the best version of yourself in every aspect of your life: physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and financially.

How much love do you have for yourself if you aren’t working to be the healthiest version of you that you can be? We psych ourselves into believing we have to be in love with our fat selves and our thick thighs, but if that isn’t the healthiest version of you, how is it love? You can be comfortable in who you are, and still recognize your need for improvement.

You tell yourself you can’t be with anyone that has nothing to bring to the table, when your table is being held up by one leg made of bills and debts you owe. Yeah, you have a nice career, but you owe out more than you make. By refusing to get a handle on your debt not only are you not showing love to yourself, but you’re not showing love to the children to whom you’ll leave your debts instead of an inheritance.

We have to be honest with ourselves and admit when we don’t love ourselves as much as we should.

Self-reflection is necessary in order for there to be growth.

Love yourself enough to want the best for yourself and your family in all areas of your life.

If you feel like the blessings aren’t coming, maybe it’s because you need to rid your life of the cluttered chaos in it.

Take inventory and then make a list of steps you can take to clean up the areas in your life that do not represent the love you have for yourself.

Take it one step at a time and don’t be afraid to ask for help in areas where you need it.

You are most definitely worth your best efforts.

Remember love is an action word and that applies even more-so when it refers to how you truly show love for you!

~Micaiahism

What I Won’t Do

I don’t need anyone to complete me I’m already whole

I’ve been figured out I’m enough, since I’ve been surviving and thriving in a world so tough

although I may not need you financially

I want you mentally, physically and emotionally

I refuse to dumb myself down just to feed your ego or support your waning masculinity

I can be a source of strength and help mate if you let me be

But first you have to see me as more than just a wet and warm good time

How about you stop ogling my breast and concentrate on my mind

Keep your sweet nothings, I feed off honesty

Please tell me no lies

You say you want someone more needy and softer

Yet you walked all over the last one like that and her self-esteem it cost her

We need to get back that complete and deep love of self

so we’ll be able to recognize and expect that same type of effort from someone else

Let’s get back to respecting and praying for one another

Instead of playing and preying with the hearts of one another

We need one another to survive

But we have to make sure we can offer more than what’s in our pockets or in between our thighs

because time is short and my patience is too

So playing myself by accepting less is something I just won’t do.

-micaiah

Loyal to You

Far too often we hold on to people that we truly should let go. People that undervalue and devalue our worth, yet habit keeps you holding on.

Sometimes we hold on due to the illusion of comfort and convenience or the thought that change may soon come. We need to be as loyal to ourselves and self-worth as we are to others.

Longevity doesn’t always equal loyalty, because some people close to you aren’t there for your benefit, but for their own.

Make sure you know the difference between those that value you and those that see the value of being associated with you, those are two different and separate things entirely. Sometimes it’s hard to determine who isn’t for you because they are dressed up to look like family and friends.

People that truly love you, nourish and feed your soul and uplift your spirit. They are careful not to take too much without making sure they have something to deposit in return. They look after and care for you like they would themselves. That’s why it’s important that the people you choose to love, have shown that they know how to show love to themselves. It’s impossible to give to others what you cannot even give to yourself. Remember you get what you accept.

Likewise, you can’t expect for someone to nourish your soul if theirs is deficient. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, A person can add to it, but they should not be in control of it. That’s an inside job, don’t allow those on the outside to have more power than you, over you.

Understand the beauty and strength in recognizing and ending relationships and patterns of behavior that mean you no good. Don’t allow anyone to guilt you into staying in a toxic environment.

Sometimes the only way you can grow is to let go of everything and everyone that weighs you down. Be loyal to loving yourself, it’s the longest relationship you’ll ever have.

~Micaiah

Unbalanced©️

Every since one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly 5/5/19 I’ve been struggling with writing and maintaining joy. I had been down this rode before in 2006 when I lost another bestfriend to murder. I’ve lost so many people between then and now including a sister and both my parents and I realized that I have so many emotions floating around needing an escape other than through tears.

Writing and journaling have always been cathartic. Reading also allows me moments of escape. But the thing about emotions is you can’t escape them forever.

So I decided to let my emotions help craft a tale, this is not a true factual account. Characters are but an extension of my thoughts, imagination and my emotions. With that being said, if death, is a trigger for you you might want to skip the rest of this post.

If not then here is the prologue for a book I am currently working on titled:

UNBALANCED©️

Prologue

Saying Goodbye

She felt so much anxiety and trepidation walking up to the casket, she was shaking on the inside but attempting to look strong on the outside.

That strength is what everyone expected of her. It’s what they always expected of her and part of the reason she had left this city.

Only she had received that call two weeks ago from her god-sister and then from his girlfriend, saying he was shot and killed in a robbery gone bad. And since they both were saying the same thing she knew it had to be true, but her heart and mind couldn’t manage to wrap around the concept of Lorenzo being gone. He was the only somebody that allowed her to be weak when she needed to be, the only one that loved her when she didn’t feel deserving of love. He never judged her, but rather he always had her back and supported her in everything she ever thought to do in life.

So when she told him she wanted to leave Cincinnati and move to Georgia and write, he immediately called his friends in Georgia and helped her secure an apartment and then helped her make the move. It was her, Lorenzo and his girlfriend at the time Nikki. She was different from Victoria the girl he was with now, well the girl he was with. That move was 3 years ago and Lorenzo had made a habit of coming to Georgia to visit every 3 months to remind her that their bond as friends was still just as strong.

This is crazy, to even be thinking about him in the past tense, is ridiculous. Cymphony wore dark shades and a big hat and figured most people had yet to realize it was her. She was almost to the casket and she felt paralyzed to take those few final steps, somehow her legs moved although she wasn’t sure how. She felt like she might hyperventilate staring down into Lorenzo’s face. He was so still and quiet, he looked just like he was asleep. The tears were streaming down her face now and a few drops had landed on Lorenzo’s face as she kissed his forehead and whispered her love and goodbyes. She stared at him so long she swore she saw his chest rise and fall, but she knew it was only wishful thinking. She was going to be sick to her stomach, it all became real at that moment. Lorenzo was dead and he would never be coming back again. She would never hear his voice or see his eyes that changed colors with his mood again. No more phone calls to check in or corny jokes. No one to tell her man troubles to, not that she let many get close.

How the hell was this real life? How could someone as solid and good as Lorenzo get robbed? He wasn’t a corner boy, he didn’t sell dope. He was just trying to be a good son, a great dad and with Victoria, he had finally found the one to make him want to settle down.

I wiped my face and walked over to his mother and family on the front row and hugged his mother tight, she hugged me back just as tightly and said, “Cymph they killed my boy. They killed your best friend. They need to rot in hell for this.” She then broke down crying in my arms and as much as I tried to hold it together that was the straw that broke the camels back. At that moment I felt the rebirth of the cold and dark side Lorenzo had helped me to contain. His love and friendship balanced out the evil and deadly mind that resided within me. Without him, I was unbalanced and out for revenge. I wouldn’t tell a soul about my mission unless I knew that’d be in agreement, but I promised Lorenzo in my heart that I wouldn’t leave Cincinnati until I found and killed everyone even associated with his death.

I helped her back into her seat and sat in the one beside her that she pulled me down into. I didn’t want to be this close. I didn’t want to see them shut the lid on that coffin. I knew I would feel suffocated to see that lid closed. Luckily, for me, his mom told them to leave it open until the service was over. He was being cremated. I would get a few of his ashes to wear in a heart locket on the chain he gifted me for my 21st birthday.

I sat through that service and couldn’t tell you a thing that was said, his mom had asked if I wanted to say remarks but everything I had to say to Lorenzo had already been said, I didn’t need to put on a show for the masses like some of these other folks were doing. It always killed me when someone died and all the people that never said one kind word in life would have all these stories to tell once a person died. I was not with the fake shit. And I knew Lorenzo was in heaven like “man stop lying.”

As soon as it was over I kissed his mom and told her I would be over to their house tomorrow. I didn’t want to be over there today with the crowd of fakes and all his ex-girlfriends posturing for attention. He didn’t love any of them hoes, except for Victoria, he had told me the last time they spoke that he was really feeling Victoria and thought she was the one for him. He barely even liked his baby momma, he just got caught on a drunk night without a condom and she knew I didn’t fuck with her at all, although I would make sure LJ his son was taken care of. I wouldn’t be giving Latreece shit though. I would make sure Lorenzo’s mom got the money to take care of LJ, she had him most of the time anyway.

I was walking towards the door when I spotted Ares. He looked good as hell, and although I barely thought twice about any dude, he always lingered in my mind each and every time I was around him. He had on dark shades so I couldn’t see his eyes but somehow I knew he was looking at me and I knew if anyone felt my pain on the loss of Lorenzo it was him. He nodded his head towards the door and I followed behind him to a hallway that leads to some offices. He opened the door and we stepped into an office.

He softly closed the door behind us and took off his shades and ran his hand down his face, when he looked at me I could literally feel the pain in his heart; to look at him made my tears brim again, but I refused to cry in front of Ares. Maybe it was because I knew what his name meant and I knew he was the God to my Goddess. His name reminded me of the strength in my own name, but I wish I didn’t have to be reminded. I wanted to be weak and have him wrap me in his arms and tell me everything would be all right, but I also didn’t want him to lie to me and I knew nothing in my life would ever be alright again.

He cleared his throat like he didn’t trust his voice to speak. “I wanted to reach out to you when it all went down, but shit I just couldn’t bring myself to, because I have been in denial about this shit. That was my ace in there. Lorenzo loved me when even my own momma didn’t give a shit about me. When I had dreams of starting my group homes he had my back and worked for free until I started making money. And some coward ass motherfuckers killed him and I couldn’t do shit to save him. By the time I got the call and made it to the scene, he could barely speak. I tried to get him to just lay still and be quiet until the ambulance came but he kept trying to talk. He said to look after LJ and Ms. Betty and to stay close to you too. He made me promise to keep you balanced. I don’t even know what that means. I promised I would and then he just stopped breathing. I started CPR on him but the more I pressed the more it seemed the blood gushed out. The paramedics had to pull me off of him when they got there. Cymph I was covered in his blood and blood is supposed to be life but his blood, his blood just signified death. And I couldn’t call you because I was so damn mad that God could take someone as good and as solid as my cousin.”

He broke down sobbing and was damn near hyperventilating and my sobs were silent but forceful, seeing a big guy like Ares broken did me in. I walked towards him and hugged him from behind and we stood like that for I don’t know how long until a warm peaceful sensation seemed to permeate throughout my body. I finally let go and Ares turned around after placing those sunglasses back over his eyes.

“Ares thank you for ensuring he didn’t die alone. I have been beating myself up about living in Georgia and how maybe if I still lived here things would have gone down differently. Lorenzo loved you like a brother, hell more than he loved his real brother. It makes me feel better knowing he knew you had his back. Do you have any idea who would have done this shit? I mean this is crazy, Lorenzo didn’t fuck with anybody. I need answers.”

“Cymph, I don’t know. I have been hearing a little chatter in the streets but not enough to put two and two together, but I think your god-sister dude Milt got something to do with this shit and if he does I’m killing that nigga.”

“Nah, you won’t even have to, because I will. I don’t like him anyway.”

“Cymph I know you loved Lorenzo but this can get crazy and dangerous. Leave this to me and a few dudes I know, no way will I forgive myself for getting you wrapped up in a mess that can turn dangerous.”

“Ares, I see Lorenzo didn’t share my secrets and I’m glad to know that. But trust when I tell you that I am more dangerous than any nigga in these streets. Lorenzo kept me balanced and I won’t rest until his death is avenged. Whether I work with you or alone, every nigga responsible will pay or my name ain’t Enyo Cymphony Caldero.”

“Wait, your name is Enyo? as in the Greek goddess of War and did you say Caldero as in Wallace Caldero’s daughter?”

“Yes to all that.”

“Damn, how the fuck did I now know who your dad was? Did Lorenzo know about you? Shit, I heard stories about you. But then everything went silent and no one knew what you really looked like or what happened to you, hell I damn near thought it was an urban legend.”

“Yes, Lorenzo knew and he didn’t treat me like I was Wallace Caldero’s daughter, he treated me like his friend Cymphony. He let me be me. And that’s why you have to understand when I say I will avenge him that I mean it.”

“Well, I guess we will be in this together after all Lorenzo did ask that I help balance you out. Shit, I never would have guessed that sweet little old you was a stone-cold killer, damn that’s sexy as hell.”

“Well keep that shit under wraps. I don’t need that information to get out or this will become way more complicated than it has to be.”

“I am heading out of here. I’ll be staying at my grandmothers’ old house on Maple. Hit me up later so we can talk more.”

“Okay I will and Cymph, be careful, you know you can trust me right?”

“I don’t know for sure, but I’m hoping I can because I know Lorenzo did. Trust for me doesn’t come easy, please don’t make me regret trusting you.”

I walked out of the office and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked away. Ares made me feel things I didn’t want to feel, but I didn’t have time to think about that, I needed to go see my god-sister Sterling and see what was up with her baby daddy Milt.

It felt weird to hear my name come off of Ares’ lips, I never went by my first name, I went by my middle name Cymphony. My father loved to tell me that he gave me the name of Enyo because I would be his little goddess of war. He raised me to be a ruthless killer and I was one of the best in hand to hand combat and could use just about any weapon thrown my way.

He would be happy to know that in the end, he won in his efforts to render me heartless, they just sealed their fate because my heart would be incinerated right along with my best friend. Murdering Lorenzo they tipped my scale and would soon realize what it meant for me to be Unbalanced.

©️ Unbalanced 2019

By Micaiah Yhisrael

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