A Shortage of Sheep

It seems there must be a shortage on sheep, because I can’t find a single one to count myself to sleep.

It seems the older I become the more insomnia becomes my best friend.

The life and mind of a procrastinating creative, ha. I lie in bed thinking of all the things I could be doing, writing or creating, while at the same time doing nothing at all.

It’s the hamster wheel of thoughts that play in a loop that makes sleep seemingly impossible; yet you don’t want to rev up your engines too much because it’s counterproductive to becoming sleepy.

Are you just as frustrated reading this as I am feeling it?

Good, at least I’m not alone.

Melatonin only seems to work, when it’s time to wake up, then my body wants to relax and drift off into slumber. And yes, I’m aware that using electronics or blue light counteracts the Melatonin kicking in your natural circadian rhythm.

However, there’s only so much laying in the dark thinking about sleep I can do before my mind requires more.
It’s great when ideas come during the cloak of night, except when your alarm is set for 6 in the morning. Yet more often than not, my ideas strike at the most inopportune time. Instead of zzz’s, I have glowing embers from my thoughts and ideas.

Oh, how I envy my sister and daughter, who think the word sleep and then fall into blissful slumber as soon as their head hits the pillow. What type of sleep sorcery do they possess? I have yet to ascertain their magic formula. Nor is the sandman a friend of mine. The sandman tends to avoid me worse than a friend that owes you money they never plan to pay back.

Meditation works while I’m in the midst of it and then when the metaphorical tone sounds, denoting the end of the meditation, it never fails that my relaxed state ebbs away and I’m left to my thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

Reading doesn‘t work either, because I love to read and often have to force myself to put a book down and go to bed.

I guess I truly shouldn’t complain because being awake tonight did allow me to write this post, so maybe I should be thankful that just like Little Bo Peep, I’ve lost my sheep and don’t know where to find them. But I’m going to try real hard to wrangle up a few and catch a few zzz’s.

~Micaiah

Always Under Construction

Lately, my life has been looking like a lane on I-75/I-71 going through Cincinnati, constantly under construction. I am constantly trying to get things in “order” so that I can be my “best” self. And I have come to realize just like the never ending construction that I bemoan on the highways that pass through my city, the construction in my life is also never ending and that’s okay.

My life my never be ideal or perfect, but just like we navigate through and around orange barrels, detours and redirects; we must do the same in our lives. Because whether it’s a street map or life map, if you keep driving/pushing eventually you will make it to your final destination.

That journey may not look like anyone else’s and while it’s frustrating to witness others arrive before you, it can also be inspirational and motivational. Perspective is the ability to change your outlook by changing your attitude or view of the situation. Sometimes life defers our moments so that we can better appreciate them when they occur. Trust that delayed is truly not denied.

While navigating my own detours and redirects, I have come to the realization that if you do not work daily to motivate yourself, you won’t be motivated. Motivation takes daily work, time and commitment. It also takes the gumption to stop putting off hard tasks, whether those tasks be physiological or psychological in nature; you have to show up and do the work.

My biggest weakness or flaw that I am constantly working on is procrastination. I allow myself to become comfortable with the excuses that I have told myself are acceptable so as to assuage the guilt of my complacency. Yeah, we feed ourselves excuses instead of feeding ourselves motivation sometimes. Starve your distractions and feed your focus is a mindset I have yet to master, but I’m under construction right? While it’s true I may be a constant work in progress, I still need to see some small steps towards progress; which means committing myself to work on the things that keep me from progressing i.e. my procrastination.

Procrastination is a low key arrogance issue, because it tends to create a false sense of being guaranteed the time of tomorrow. We all know tomorrow isn’t promised, yet we will allow ourselves the comfort of complacency by stating we will do “it” tomorrow, whatever “it” is. We need to take the leap and do it today.

Do “it” scared, unprepared, under stress, with less than optimal finances. Just do it! We can’t be worried about the messiness of our construction in our lives. It may not be pretty, but if that mess leads to your ultimate progress than it’s more than worth it.

I have determined not to give up or give in. I can’t be the next New York Times Best Selling Author if I’m not writing. I can’t be my best self if I’m not working and taking those small steps towards progress. So, I’ll be content with the orange barrels and detours in and around my life and remind myself that as long as I stay moving, eventually I’ll get to where I want to go and you will too.

~micaiah

Your best life starts today!

Today, I want to impress upon you the importance of seizing the moment, stop waiting and make changes daily as you see the need for them. Time waits for no one and 2020 took many people with it whom died, what I feel was way too soon, some in the very beginning or prime of their lives. So be the change you want to see in your life.

Stop waiting to live your best life. Don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today. Release your fears and tap into your inner courage. Stop being complacent with convenience and mediocrity in your personal and professional life.

Surround yourself with friends and people that challenge you, to be a better you. Friends should be as iron that sharpens iron and act as mirrors to show us our real and true selves. Because the only way to effectively change yourself for the better is to take an honest inventory of yourself and your characteristics and act accordingly.

Realize and accept, that not everyone will be able to make the journey towards self-improvement with you, nor or they meant to. There is a time and purpose for everything and person under the sun, acknowledge when something or someone has outstayed their purpose in your life, release them/it and move on towards vaster and brighter horizons.

Understand that change may not be comfortable, but beautiful things are often birthed through adversity and pain.

Understand that there are dream makers and dream and idea takers, know your circle and know that some moves are not to be broadcast, but are best made in silence, allowing your work or action to speak for itself.

Most of all, forgive yourself of your short comings, what’s done is done and is now in the past. You can’t change the past so resolve to make better, more logically sound choices from this point on. The shame is not in the falling down; it’s being comfortable in staying down.

Tomorrow is never promised so make the most of your Today!

~Micaiah

Racial disparities in medicine

I just saw a post where condolences were given for a young, African American, female 2nd year med student that lost her life due to complications from pre-eclampsia.

While I don’t know all the details leading up to her death, I do know people of color especially African American females die at disproportionately higher rates than their white counter parts. African Americans as a whole do not receive the same care in most, if not all, aspects of medical care.

You must advocate for your health and your life. Do not allow anyone to tell you it’s nothing when your gut and body is telling you there is.

When I delivered my daughter and was discharged home I developed severe swelling and shortness of breath. I went back to the doctors and they assured me the swelling was normal and was just from the fluids I was given during my cesarean section. They pushed me to go home. I pushed back and told them this was beyond that and I wanted them to evaluate further. They did and I was diagnosed with pneumonia and almost to the point of congestive heart failure.

Luckily, I pushed back and I trusted myself more than I trusted that clinician, but how many people trust the people that are supposed to be the expert in their fields. Doctors are human and can make mistakes, that’s why you have to advocate for yourselves and for your family members. Your life just may depend on it.

~micaiah

#endracialdisparitiesinmedicine

#advocate

My own truth

Walking, no, more like stumbling through life
Vision blurred by all that’s occurred

Not staying on course has my dreams deferred
Allowed myself to lose focus
Due to foolishness and hocus pocus

Let comparison rob me of objectivity
had me forgetting about the blessings just for me

Doubt had me believing delayed had turned into denied
Had me trusting in worry and anxieties lies

Had to get regrounded and regroup
Had to familiarize myself again with my own truth

Had to remind myself of whose child I was
And that my gifts are truly a blessing from above

There is no timeframe or race
Just continue on and keep the pace

With renewed faith, my vision cleared
And once again I’m ready to tackle all I once feared.

~micaiah

Fighting to Matter

To be black and live in America is to live through trauma.

Black lives do not matter. Animals and walls get more respect and consideration than black people do.

People are murdered in their homes and yet they are made to be villains.
Even in their deaths the world tries hard to turn the tables so even sympathy is not given.

Oppression makes a wise man mad. And continually perpetuating trauma makes a person numb.

But
life goes on and we keep pushing because our souls weren’t created to quit.

Some of us march, some pray, others protests, rebel and raise holy hell and no one can say any of them are wrong.

Because collectively we are grieving and enraged all at the same time; we have lost so many and each death effected us, even if only subconsciously.

Every death by the hands of the police has you questioning your safety during what should be a routine traffic stop.

Have you reconsidering mentioning the police as someone a child can turn to and be safe with in times of trouble.

Parents have had to change the narrative of their coming of age stories especially with their black male children to include how to live through an interaction with the police.

It’s crazy to have to explain that typically black people are seen as guilty until proven innocent and even then they are sometimes still punished.

Society might have removed the chains, but they’ve held fast to the cruelties and tenets of slavery.

Yet somehow we still make strides and make moves because our souls weren’t created to quit.

With tear stained faces and red rimmed eyes we still stand tall with our fists held high.

Burdened by the struggle to be recognized as human, worthy of life, deserving of justice.
Fighting to matter.
~micaiah

Through the process

Shed the skin of expectancy and peel off the facade of perfection.
Free your heart from the shortcomings of others and yourself.
Unburden your shoulders from carrying the shame of associating with soulless beings.
Cleanse your eyes from the blurry half truths and focus on the freedom of reality.
Change occurs only with the realization that there is room for improvement.
Whether you improve your physical, mental, emotional, financial or spiritual well-being it all ends in your betterment.
Be better and most importantly love yourself through the process.
~micaiah

Keep the faith

It’s easy to say you believe when things are great.

Faith is tested when you are.

It’s ok to feel weak, just don’t quit believing that you will make it through.

A whole lot of battles are lost because the mind gave up first and the body followed suit.

Don’t let that be you, tap into your strength(Faith).~Micaiah

Pushed to the edge

Today my Healthcare corporation encouraged us to participate in an 8 minute and 46 second moment of silence in honor of Mr. George Floyd and in solidarity with White Coats for Black Lives Matter (WCBL). WCBL is “an organization that strives to dismantle racism in medicine and promote the health, well-being, and self-determination of the African American community.”

During those 8 minutes and 46 seconds I couldn’t help but to think of all the things that must have flashed through Mr. Floyd’s mind, while seemingly coming to the stark realization that the police was literally killing him. I can’t even fathom what he must have been feeling and the helplessness of being rendered breathless.

I kept having that video of him being murdered, because that’s what it was, play over in a loop in my head. And of how tired I am of explaining to my 7 year old daughter that another person of color has lost their life at the hands of someone who sees them as less than, all while attempting to instill into her that she is enough.

It’s exhausting.

Racism in America, like a festering wound and abhorrent disease, has been left untreated since the nation was birthed. It’s a sickness that effects the young, old and all in between.
How can we tout this as the best nation on earth when animals get more respect and protection than people of color?

When will I not have to say extra prayers for all my male friends and family members that their lives are not taken during a simple traffic stop or interaction with the police.

Yes, we try to teach our youth how to act to stay alive, but until people stop placing symbolic bullseyes on their heads and back, hunting season continues in spite of being compliant.

All lives matter, but until Black Lives Matter there will be no peace because there won’t be any justice for us. Understand this country was founded on the backs of the people that they no longer deem matter, how hypocritical is that?

There are too many disparities in healthcare, education and the justice system for people to feel comfortable sticking their head in the sand and pretending to be unaware of what takes place around them. We know you see it, you show us with your silence that until it effects you directly you don’t care.

If you aren’t helping resolve the problems you may as well be throwing fire on the flames. You care if people mistreat their dog, yet act confounded that people would feel so strongly against the mistreatment of a whole collective group of people.
Surely, not a nation that state in God they trust! Do you not understand the same God you say you trust, created us.

When will enough, be enough for you? It’s past time for me.✊🏽🖤

~micaiah

%d bloggers like this: