Dawning

She didn’t cry all the time

She ate, didn’t starve herself and lose uncalculated weight

She didn’t sleep all day or cover her head and stay in bed

She perfected the art of being “fine”

When looked upon by others

She laughed when it was appropriate and even smiled

though at times

It didn’t reach her eyes

She slept when she wasn’t tossing and turning

Yearning to be settled

Her mind raced even when she seemed at rest

Her heart knew the truth she wasn’t at her best

Her concentration was slacking

And she became misty-eyed and sentimental over the smallest of things

She worked and she prayed

And it seemed at times night morphed straight into a day

It stunted her vision and clouded her words

Made it hard for her creative mind to be heard

Yet she kept pushing day by day

To keep the heaviness of loss and grief at bay

Because she had faith to know she would one day truly be ok

So she gave herself time and permission to grieve and room to breathe

Knowing she had to work it all out in her own way

She understood implicitly sad times wouldn’t last always

And with the dawning of the Sun, there would soon be brighter days.

~Micaiah

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Adrift and bereft

I haven’t written in a while. I was transitioning in my feelings from numb to grieving, once again death called a friend home and left me feeling adrift and bereft. Untethered just floating in a sea of feelings and unleashed emotions

Death is hard, but unexpected death, one not a result of some chronic or terminal illness is even harder; especially when it’s a best friend. A confidante and kindred spirit, someone that you laughingly joked about growing old with. It was surreal seeing her lifeless and so still. She had always been so lively and full of life. Her Aura would bring light to any room, but death robbed the world of her presence.

I’m a spiritual being so I know all souls belong to the Creator and are only on a short loan to those of us that live in this earthly world. Even knowing and understanding her latter end doesn’t make the pain any less intense.

Witnessing another mother bury her child is something I dread each and every time, because by nature I’m an empath and I feel things deeply and knowing I can do nothing to repair the hole left is gut wrenching. Of course I can offer help and sympathy but those things don’t touch that feeling that resides deep in one’s soul when they suffer the loss of someone close to them. I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like for a mother to lose the very person that grew inside her womb.

The older I get it seems the more prayers and condolences I extend, and yet the world keeps turning and days continue into night. And although death changes the world of those effected, the rest of the world goes on. And although at times you wish you could curl up in a ball and just forget about everything and everyone else, you can’t, because you still have life within you.

And because you inherently know you have a responsibility to keep the memory and love of the deceased alive. So you surf the waves of your grief, you allow yourself to feel, but you fight to keep your head above water because you don’t want to purposely hasten your own demise and be the cause of someone’s else’s grief.

The circle of life keeps turning much like the earth. We latch on to friends and family and every golden memory we can in an effort to establish a new normal.

That’s where I find myself, trying to find my new normal, without one of my best friend’s advice and input, one without her notes left in my library books on the hold shelf. A life that is without her text messages full of inside jokes and one that is without her book nerd humor and shared favorite authors and titles. One without her voice and knowing they’ll be no new songs sung it’s all still so hard to comprehend.

But I know she would push me forward and want me to accomplish all the goals and dreams we had discussed. She’d want to see me smile and laugh and enjoy life fully. So some way somehow I will, because to keep a smile on my face and joy in my heart may just be one of the best ways to remember her.

Missing you and loving you forever my friend

In Loving Memory of Hilakiyah Yisrael 3/10/1970-5/5/2019

~Micaiah

Needed: Your Presence, not your Presents

As a parent you want to protect your children from all hurt and harm, you want to allow them to grow up feeling loved and fulfilled. It hurts as a parent when you realize that no matter how much you pray, chant, meditate or voice it to the universe, you can’t force an absent parent to feel the way you do.

And child support doesn’t equate to active participation. Money can never replace time spent.

It hurts to realize the person you shared such an intimate part of yourself with, that culminated in the conception of such a unique and beautiful creation, doesn’t want to be involved with that creation. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were surrounding the birth, the child itself is a blessing. Point blank period.

Of course there are those that will say that’s why you should be married before having children or truly know the person, marriage is not a guarantee, they end daily and people walk away from children just like they do the marriage and you can have known someone for years and years, but once something changes from fun and free to responsibility, people can change before your very eyes.

It’s funny that some people will risk it all over pleasure and self-serving gratification, but won’t risk anything over integrity by doing what’s right even when it’s not easy or convenient.

It hurts because no matter how much you love your child, a mother cannot be a father and likewise a father cannot be a mother. But we try and love our child enough not to feel the void of the absent parent. Sometimes we attempt to overcompensate with an abundance of materialistic things or by being more friendly than parental towards our children. But trust, even with the best of efforts they eventually feel the void.

And while if you are a mature parent, you will try to find a way to gently explain that it’s not that the absent parent doesn’t love them, but rather that some people just are not ready or capable of being selfless enough to be parents. It falls flat on ears waiting to hear the sound of the missing parents voice. It falls short of explaining why they have to have an uncle or grandfather at the daddy/daughter dance or why they have an aunt or grandmother at the son/mommy dinner.

These absences play such a major part in the future relationships that the child will have, especially with the opposite sex. It’s hard for a female to learn to trust a man and to understand their role as provider and protector, when dad didn’t find her precious enough to guard and protect. And it’s hard for a male to learn to value women when the one that carried him for 9 months could just then turn and walk away. These children through no fault of their own, may grow to see themselves as less than worthy.

If one is lucky they will find other adults, men and women that serve as role models and mentees that help fill the void, or they will be blessed with a parent that showers them with love and loving, esteeming affirmations on a daily.

In truth it doesn’t take a lot of time, energy, effort or courage to create a life, but it does to raise one! Let’s show our youth that they’re worth the effort and put aside what’s easy and convenient. Make the time, to spend the time. If the custodial parent makes it hard to see the child, take them to court for your right to be involved. Make a call, send a card, write a letter even when they’re too young to read, at least they’ll know you tried, that they mattered enough for you to make an effort.

Father’s and Mother’s claim your place and be present. Children don’t need your presents; they need combined parental presence!

~Micaiah