Unbalanced©️

Every since one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly 5/5/19 I’ve been struggling with writing and maintaining joy. I had been down this rode before in 2006 when I lost another bestfriend to murder. I’ve lost so many people between then and now including a sister and both my parents and I realized that I have so many emotions floating around needing an escape other than through tears.

Writing and journaling have always been cathartic. Reading also allows me moments of escape. But the thing about emotions is you can’t escape them forever.

So I decided to let my emotions help craft a tale, this is not a true factual account. Characters are but an extension of my thoughts, imagination and my emotions. With that being said, if death, is a trigger for you you might want to skip the rest of this post.

If not then here is the prologue for a book I am currently working on titled:

UNBALANCED©️

Prologue

Saying Goodbye

She felt so much anxiety and trepidation walking up to the casket, she was shaking on the inside but attempting to look strong on the outside.

That strength is what everyone expected of her. It’s what they always expected of her and part of the reason she had left this city.

Only she had received that call two weeks ago from her god-sister and then from his girlfriend, saying he was shot and killed in a robbery gone bad. And since they both were saying the same thing she knew it had to be true, but her heart and mind couldn’t manage to wrap around the concept of Lorenzo being gone. He was the only somebody that allowed her to be weak when she needed to be, the only one that loved her when she didn’t feel deserving of love. He never judged her, but rather he always had her back and supported her in everything she ever thought to do in life.

So when she told him she wanted to leave Cincinnati and move to Georgia and write, he immediately called his friends in Georgia and helped her secure an apartment and then helped her make the move. It was her, Lorenzo and his girlfriend at the time Nikki. She was different from Victoria the girl he was with now, well the girl he was with. That move was 3 years ago and Lorenzo had made a habit of coming to Georgia to visit every 3 months to remind her that their bond as friends was still just as strong.

This is crazy, to even be thinking about him in the past tense, is ridiculous. Cymphony wore dark shades and a big hat and figured most people had yet to realize it was her. She was almost to the casket and she felt paralyzed to take those few final steps, somehow her legs moved although she wasn’t sure how. She felt like she might hyperventilate staring down into Lorenzo’s face. He was so still and quiet, he looked just like he was asleep. The tears were streaming down her face now and a few drops had landed on Lorenzo’s face as she kissed his forehead and whispered her love and goodbyes. She stared at him so long she swore she saw his chest rise and fall, but she knew it was only wishful thinking. She was going to be sick to her stomach, it all became real at that moment. Lorenzo was dead and he would never be coming back again. She would never hear his voice or see his eyes that changed colors with his mood again. No more phone calls to check in or corny jokes. No one to tell her man troubles to, not that she let many get close.

How the hell was this real life? How could someone as solid and good as Lorenzo get robbed? He wasn’t a corner boy, he didn’t sell dope. He was just trying to be a good son, a great dad and with Victoria, he had finally found the one to make him want to settle down.

I wiped my face and walked over to his mother and family on the front row and hugged his mother tight, she hugged me back just as tightly and said, “Cymph they killed my boy. They killed your best friend. They need to rot in hell for this.” She then broke down crying in my arms and as much as I tried to hold it together that was the straw that broke the camels back. At that moment I felt the rebirth of the cold and dark side Lorenzo had helped me to contain. His love and friendship balanced out the evil and deadly mind that resided within me. Without him, I was unbalanced and out for revenge. I wouldn’t tell a soul about my mission unless I knew that’d be in agreement, but I promised Lorenzo in my heart that I wouldn’t leave Cincinnati until I found and killed everyone even associated with his death.

I helped her back into her seat and sat in the one beside her that she pulled me down into. I didn’t want to be this close. I didn’t want to see them shut the lid on that coffin. I knew I would feel suffocated to see that lid closed. Luckily, for me, his mom told them to leave it open until the service was over. He was being cremated. I would get a few of his ashes to wear in a heart locket on the chain he gifted me for my 21st birthday.

I sat through that service and couldn’t tell you a thing that was said, his mom had asked if I wanted to say remarks but everything I had to say to Lorenzo had already been said, I didn’t need to put on a show for the masses like some of these other folks were doing. It always killed me when someone died and all the people that never said one kind word in life would have all these stories to tell once a person died. I was not with the fake shit. And I knew Lorenzo was in heaven like “man stop lying.”

As soon as it was over I kissed his mom and told her I would be over to their house tomorrow. I didn’t want to be over there today with the crowd of fakes and all his ex-girlfriends posturing for attention. He didn’t love any of them hoes, except for Victoria, he had told me the last time they spoke that he was really feeling Victoria and thought she was the one for him. He barely even liked his baby momma, he just got caught on a drunk night without a condom and she knew I didn’t fuck with her at all, although I would make sure LJ his son was taken care of. I wouldn’t be giving Latreece shit though. I would make sure Lorenzo’s mom got the money to take care of LJ, she had him most of the time anyway.

I was walking towards the door when I spotted Ares. He looked good as hell, and although I barely thought twice about any dude, he always lingered in my mind each and every time I was around him. He had on dark shades so I couldn’t see his eyes but somehow I knew he was looking at me and I knew if anyone felt my pain on the loss of Lorenzo it was him. He nodded his head towards the door and I followed behind him to a hallway that leads to some offices. He opened the door and we stepped into an office.

He softly closed the door behind us and took off his shades and ran his hand down his face, when he looked at me I could literally feel the pain in his heart; to look at him made my tears brim again, but I refused to cry in front of Ares. Maybe it was because I knew what his name meant and I knew he was the God to my Goddess. His name reminded me of the strength in my own name, but I wish I didn’t have to be reminded. I wanted to be weak and have him wrap me in his arms and tell me everything would be all right, but I also didn’t want him to lie to me and I knew nothing in my life would ever be alright again.

He cleared his throat like he didn’t trust his voice to speak. “I wanted to reach out to you when it all went down, but shit I just couldn’t bring myself to, because I have been in denial about this shit. That was my ace in there. Lorenzo loved me when even my own momma didn’t give a shit about me. When I had dreams of starting my group homes he had my back and worked for free until I started making money. And some coward ass motherfuckers killed him and I couldn’t do shit to save him. By the time I got the call and made it to the scene, he could barely speak. I tried to get him to just lay still and be quiet until the ambulance came but he kept trying to talk. He said to look after LJ and Ms. Betty and to stay close to you too. He made me promise to keep you balanced. I don’t even know what that means. I promised I would and then he just stopped breathing. I started CPR on him but the more I pressed the more it seemed the blood gushed out. The paramedics had to pull me off of him when they got there. Cymph I was covered in his blood and blood is supposed to be life but his blood, his blood just signified death. And I couldn’t call you because I was so damn mad that God could take someone as good and as solid as my cousin.”

He broke down sobbing and was damn near hyperventilating and my sobs were silent but forceful, seeing a big guy like Ares broken did me in. I walked towards him and hugged him from behind and we stood like that for I don’t know how long until a warm peaceful sensation seemed to permeate throughout my body. I finally let go and Ares turned around after placing those sunglasses back over his eyes.

“Ares thank you for ensuring he didn’t die alone. I have been beating myself up about living in Georgia and how maybe if I still lived here things would have gone down differently. Lorenzo loved you like a brother, hell more than he loved his real brother. It makes me feel better knowing he knew you had his back. Do you have any idea who would have done this shit? I mean this is crazy, Lorenzo didn’t fuck with anybody. I need answers.”

“Cymph, I don’t know. I have been hearing a little chatter in the streets but not enough to put two and two together, but I think your god-sister dude Milt got something to do with this shit and if he does I’m killing that nigga.”

“Nah, you won’t even have to, because I will. I don’t like him anyway.”

“Cymph I know you loved Lorenzo but this can get crazy and dangerous. Leave this to me and a few dudes I know, no way will I forgive myself for getting you wrapped up in a mess that can turn dangerous.”

“Ares, I see Lorenzo didn’t share my secrets and I’m glad to know that. But trust when I tell you that I am more dangerous than any nigga in these streets. Lorenzo kept me balanced and I won’t rest until his death is avenged. Whether I work with you or alone, every nigga responsible will pay or my name ain’t Enyo Cymphony Caldero.”

“Wait, your name is Enyo? as in the Greek goddess of War and did you say Caldero as in Wallace Caldero’s daughter?”

“Yes to all that.”

“Damn, how the fuck did I now know who your dad was? Did Lorenzo know about you? Shit, I heard stories about you. But then everything went silent and no one knew what you really looked like or what happened to you, hell I damn near thought it was an urban legend.”

“Yes, Lorenzo knew and he didn’t treat me like I was Wallace Caldero’s daughter, he treated me like his friend Cymphony. He let me be me. And that’s why you have to understand when I say I will avenge him that I mean it.”

“Well, I guess we will be in this together after all Lorenzo did ask that I help balance you out. Shit, I never would have guessed that sweet little old you was a stone-cold killer, damn that’s sexy as hell.”

“Well keep that shit under wraps. I don’t need that information to get out or this will become way more complicated than it has to be.”

“I am heading out of here. I’ll be staying at my grandmothers’ old house on Maple. Hit me up later so we can talk more.”

“Okay I will and Cymph, be careful, you know you can trust me right?”

“I don’t know for sure, but I’m hoping I can because I know Lorenzo did. Trust for me doesn’t come easy, please don’t make me regret trusting you.”

I walked out of the office and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked away. Ares made me feel things I didn’t want to feel, but I didn’t have time to think about that, I needed to go see my god-sister Sterling and see what was up with her baby daddy Milt.

It felt weird to hear my name come off of Ares’ lips, I never went by my first name, I went by my middle name Cymphony. My father loved to tell me that he gave me the name of Enyo because I would be his little goddess of war. He raised me to be a ruthless killer and I was one of the best in hand to hand combat and could use just about any weapon thrown my way.

He would be happy to know that in the end, he won in his efforts to render me heartless, they just sealed their fate because my heart would be incinerated right along with my best friend. Murdering Lorenzo they tipped my scale and would soon realize what it meant for me to be Unbalanced.

©️ Unbalanced 2019

By Micaiah Yhisrael

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

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Creative Season

For so many years I would put off writing a book or I would start a blog only to stop shortly after. But this past October with the help and push from a sister-friend I finally made good on my word to publish a book. The surprising part was once I wrote the plan and acted upon it, it took literally no time at all to put the book out there. It’s kind of sad when I think of all the years, I wasted procrastinating. I could have been perfecting my skills and been on my way to a best seller by now. But then I had to think that everything works in its appointed time. We may not understand the big picture, but we must learn to adapt to it.

Now that its my creative season, ideas and stories are coming to me from several directions and I’ve been writing, planning and creating. And that’s all while still working a full-time job, homeschooling my daughter and being her mom, playmate, principal and everything in between. I love it though. I finally feel like I am working towards my purpose. I am getting my words out there.

So, what if I’m not on the best sellers list yet! It’s a wonderful feeling when people inbox or text you that your words made an impact on them even in a small way. I’m finally working on my dream daily and not just telling people I will one day.

I’m just thankful for friends that have the spirit of discernment and pushed me into my now! Sometimes you must get out there and start doing and when you do, its like a domino effect and things just start falling together.

I haven’t felt this creative since my early days at The School for The Creative and Performing Arts. Its nice to know the gift was lying dormant just waiting for me to pick up my pen and start writing again.

This time I may take short breaks but I’m no longer willing to quit!

~micaiah

Sparking the flame

Sometimes it’s hard to follow through on realizing a dream. Oftentimes for no other reason than we stand in our own way. We let the minor details overwhelm us into do nothingness. Instead of combating each small goal one step at a time. We get comfortable in the darkness and stop working towards the light.

 

This was a problem I battled. For years friends and acquaintances alike encouraged me to write a book, to get my words out there. And for years I hemmed and hawed and smiled saying I would or that I was working on it. Most of the time working on it meant I wrote down my goal and a few notes and then became overwhelmed at the thought and pushed it away. Until one day a sister-friend saw I needed a good shove off the ledge. She called and me and said, “Sis you have all the material already for a book. Copy and paste all those Facebook posts, print them out, categorize them and publish your book!” In other words, “Sis stop playing and make a move!” So, that’s exactly what I did.

 

My friend was the catalyst bearing clarity I needed to clearly see the steps and path I needed to take to reach my goal. Once that path was laid, it was nothing to complete. I had a book self-published so fast even I was in awe of myself. Luckily for me that fire is still burning and the urge to create is still there. So, I’m writing and blogging and creating, preparing for my next project or projects. I’m trying not to worry too much about sales and projections. I understand to finish big you must start small and I’m already claiming greater works and greater sales in my future endeavors.

 

That’s the thing about dreams, you must keep pushing and working on them. No matter what the outlook may look like. The adversary will try to trick you into believing your good wasn’t good enough, or that your best fell short. But I know that light flows out of darkness, the flame will spark, if you are patient and just keep pushing!

 

Refocus, reorganize, re-energize but don’t you dare quit!

~Micaiah