Pushed to the edge
Today my Healthcare corporation encouraged us to participate in an 8 minute and 46 second moment of silence in honor of Mr. George Floyd and in solidarity with White Coats for Black Lives Matter (WCBL). WCBL is “an organization that strives to dismantle racism in medicine and promote the health, well-being, and self-determination of the African American community.”
During those 8 minutes and 46 seconds I couldn’t help but to think of all the things that must have flashed through Mr. Floyd’s mind, while seemingly coming to the stark realization that the police was literally killing him. I can’t even fathom what he must have been feeling and the helplessness of being rendered breathless.
I kept having that video of him being murdered, because that’s what it was, play over in a loop in my head. And of how tired I am of explaining to my 7 year old daughter that another person of color has lost their life at the hands of someone who sees them as less than, all while attempting to instill into her that she is enough.
Racism in America, like a festering wound and abhorrent disease, has been left untreated since the nation was birthed. It’s a sickness that effects the young, old and all in between.
How can we tout this as the best nation on earth when animals get more respect and protection than people of color?
When will I not have to say extra prayers for all my male friends and family members that their lives are not taken during a simple traffic stop or interaction with the police.
Yes, we try to teach our youth how to act to stay alive, but until people stop placing symbolic bullseyes on their heads and back, hunting season continues in spite of being compliant.
All lives matter, but until Black Lives Matter there will be no peace because there won’t be any justice for us. Understand this country was founded on the backs of the people that they no longer deem matter, how hypocritical is that?
There are too many disparities in healthcare, education and the justice system for people to feel comfortable sticking their head in the sand and pretending to be unaware of what takes place around them. We know you see it, you show us with your silence that until it effects you directly you don’t care.
If you aren’t helping resolve the problems you may as well be throwing fire on the flames. You care if people mistreat their dog, yet act confounded that people would feel so strongly against the mistreatment of a whole collective group of people.
Surely, not a nation that state in God they trust! Do you not understand the same God you say you trust, created us.
When will enough, be enough for you? It’s past time for me.✊🏽🖤
never can say good bye
even after a year it still seems foreign to try
I remember being awakened from my sleep
to cries that you were now resting in peace
for a second I lost touch with reality
Could this really be true
but I soon gained more proof
the world had truly lost you
it’s hard living life with no more talks
no more shared books read
or inside jokes
I just knew we’d grow to be old folks
You were my sister, my friend and a spiritual sharpener
when your soul left
time seemed to stand still
it felt surreal
I was bereft
left fumbling to rationalize within my mind,
to accept this loss as a truth
There are days I’m great
and there’s days when simply I’m not
I know life is for living so I keep pushing I dare not stop
There is so much more I needed to share
so much more wisdom and encouragement I needed to hear
You were a sister-friend so near and dear to my heart.
I carry your memories forever with me may they never depart.
Continue to rest in power Sis💙
Hilakiyah Yisrael 3/10/70-5/5/2019
Where happiness meets healing
Sometimes it’s not the intimate aspect of the relationship you miss, it’s the friendship
The ability for someone to know you better than you know yourself
Someone that knows your moods and can communicate without conversation
someone that can pull a smile from you even when you are annoyingly aggravated
Someone you can be free with without judgment
Even when you’re afraid to uncover your heart, they feed you laughter as medicine and help cure your hidden and broken parts
Because sometimes we don’t truly heal, because we are so intent on not being able to feel
Sometimes we blur the line and it takes time to get back aligned with the true purpose for you and them
Maybe you were not ever meant to be in love
because the greater need is to be a friend
and in the end
in that realization
is where true happiness and healing begins.
The Circle of Life
Whenever anyone dies, it’s a humbling moment to remind us all of our mortality. No matter how we live or our socioeconomic backgrounds, we all have an expiration date.
Whether you believe in a higher power or not doesn’t negate the certainty of death.
The recent unexpected and tragic death of Kobe Bryant along with 8 other individuals rocked many.
Unexpected deaths are always hard, because there is no time to prepare or guard your emotions.
Now that I’m in my late forties and both my parents and several close friends have passed, it’s hard not to get caught up in an avalanche of grief and tears when hearing about the death of others.
It’s as if the grief of others, stirs up a hornets nest of emotions within me and I know from reading other peoples social media posts and comments that I’m not alone in those feelings.
I honestly have to force myself to limit time on social media as it can become too heavy a burden to bear. Energy no matter the source, can be transferred.
It’s important to take time for self care and to regroup after tragic events or the death of others.
It’s easy to allow the darkness and cloak of depression to envelop you into a false sense of comfort.
Don’t be fooled, your light is not out. The flame may have flickered, but as long as you have breath that light still shines.
So, I’ve committed to living more intentionally.
To appreciate the days and make them count.
To create new and lasting memories.
To live, laugh and love and show appreciation for all those in my life.
To let go of the small stuff and focus on the bigger picture.
I’ve committed to be a better version of myself and live each day to the fullest, because we never know when it will be our last.
Her heart was warm and vibrant pumping a selfless type of love
It pumped until its chambers were depleted
a supply unreciprocated will dry up
and like the changing seasons
her personality changed too
unrequited love changed her confidence into insecurity
She couldn’t quite remember when she lost sight of herself
She’s pretty sure it happened when she was pouring so much into others
Somehow they gained vibrancy at her expense as she turned into a less vibrant copy of her former self
Somehow she started to internalize the outward inaction of another and took ownership of issues that didn’t start with her
and they allowed her to because she was to magnificent to behold in all her technicolor majestic-ness
But with her bathed in shades of grey they seemed so much more appealing than they actually were
So they attempted to lull her into accepting the fantasy as a reality
and for a while they were successful
they tied those rose colored glasses to her face with strings of lies, laden with whispers of sweet nothings and orgasmic soul ties
Emotions took control and logic took a back seat
And the color continued to be drained from her
until her insides were as black as a starless night
She lost her zeal and ultimately her appeal and the love leech went scouting for a new host
leaving her to fall freely
and for a while she lay there covered in blackness and feeling buried
until realizing during her fall those glasses and bindings were knocked loose
there was a light in the darkness
as she sprouted from the darkness
she realized she was never buried
she was planted
and as she grew into a new version of herself
her color returned
along with a fierce love of self
the season had changed and
so had she
this was her season
she was back and more vibrant than before
because she realized her moment of weakness and falling
did not define her
to get back up did.
The Love She Needed
She contemplated all her endings
In an effort to facilitate a new beginning
She couldn’t place all the blame on them
When the endings looked so similar
she was the only common denominator
The commonality of her attractions was a flaw in her character
In her need to fix others
She attracted unhealed mates that flocked to her to be healed
Only to take their healed selves elsewhere
Leaving the fixer wounded
Momentarily put off from healing another
She covered her heart in armor
Daring anyone to penetrate her self imposed fortress
She was punishing herself
Not realizing a heart locked up finds it hard to beat
Even for oneself
So she tore the wall away
Because she realized she deserved her own best efforts
Her heart was resilient and destined to thrive, to love and be loved
She changed the inconsistent and conflicted parts within herself
She reflected the love she was
And was content to love herself
until someone came along
and reflected back to her
the love she needed.