Unbalanced©️

Every since one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly 5/5/19 I’ve been struggling with writing and maintaining joy. I had been down this rode before in 2006 when I lost another bestfriend to murder. I’ve lost so many people between then and now including a sister and both my parents and I realized that I have so many emotions floating around needing an escape other than through tears.

Writing and journaling have always been cathartic. Reading also allows me moments of escape. But the thing about emotions is you can’t escape them forever.

So I decided to let my emotions help craft a tale, this is not a true factual account. Characters are but an extension of my thoughts, imagination and my emotions. With that being said, if death, is a trigger for you you might want to skip the rest of this post.

If not then here is the prologue for a book I am currently working on titled:

UNBALANCED©️

Prologue

Saying Goodbye

She felt so much anxiety and trepidation walking up to the casket, she was shaking on the inside but attempting to look strong on the outside.

That strength is what everyone expected of her. It’s what they always expected of her and part of the reason she had left this city.

Only she had received that call two weeks ago from her god-sister and then from his girlfriend, saying he was shot and killed in a robbery gone bad. And since they both were saying the same thing she knew it had to be true, but her heart and mind couldn’t manage to wrap around the concept of Lorenzo being gone. He was the only somebody that allowed her to be weak when she needed to be, the only one that loved her when she didn’t feel deserving of love. He never judged her, but rather he always had her back and supported her in everything she ever thought to do in life.

So when she told him she wanted to leave Cincinnati and move to Georgia and write, he immediately called his friends in Georgia and helped her secure an apartment and then helped her make the move. It was her, Lorenzo and his girlfriend at the time Nikki. She was different from Victoria the girl he was with now, well the girl he was with. That move was 3 years ago and Lorenzo had made a habit of coming to Georgia to visit every 3 months to remind her that their bond as friends was still just as strong.

This is crazy, to even be thinking about him in the past tense, is ridiculous. Cymphony wore dark shades and a big hat and figured most people had yet to realize it was her. She was almost to the casket and she felt paralyzed to take those few final steps, somehow her legs moved although she wasn’t sure how. She felt like she might hyperventilate staring down into Lorenzo’s face. He was so still and quiet, he looked just like he was asleep. The tears were streaming down her face now and a few drops had landed on Lorenzo’s face as she kissed his forehead and whispered her love and goodbyes. She stared at him so long she swore she saw his chest rise and fall, but she knew it was only wishful thinking. She was going to be sick to her stomach, it all became real at that moment. Lorenzo was dead and he would never be coming back again. She would never hear his voice or see his eyes that changed colors with his mood again. No more phone calls to check in or corny jokes. No one to tell her man troubles to, not that she let many get close.

How the hell was this real life? How could someone as solid and good as Lorenzo get robbed? He wasn’t a corner boy, he didn’t sell dope. He was just trying to be a good son, a great dad and with Victoria, he had finally found the one to make him want to settle down.

I wiped my face and walked over to his mother and family on the front row and hugged his mother tight, she hugged me back just as tightly and said, “Cymph they killed my boy. They killed your best friend. They need to rot in hell for this.” She then broke down crying in my arms and as much as I tried to hold it together that was the straw that broke the camels back. At that moment I felt the rebirth of the cold and dark side Lorenzo had helped me to contain. His love and friendship balanced out the evil and deadly mind that resided within me. Without him, I was unbalanced and out for revenge. I wouldn’t tell a soul about my mission unless I knew that’d be in agreement, but I promised Lorenzo in my heart that I wouldn’t leave Cincinnati until I found and killed everyone even associated with his death.

I helped her back into her seat and sat in the one beside her that she pulled me down into. I didn’t want to be this close. I didn’t want to see them shut the lid on that coffin. I knew I would feel suffocated to see that lid closed. Luckily, for me, his mom told them to leave it open until the service was over. He was being cremated. I would get a few of his ashes to wear in a heart locket on the chain he gifted me for my 21st birthday.

I sat through that service and couldn’t tell you a thing that was said, his mom had asked if I wanted to say remarks but everything I had to say to Lorenzo had already been said, I didn’t need to put on a show for the masses like some of these other folks were doing. It always killed me when someone died and all the people that never said one kind word in life would have all these stories to tell once a person died. I was not with the fake shit. And I knew Lorenzo was in heaven like “man stop lying.”

As soon as it was over I kissed his mom and told her I would be over to their house tomorrow. I didn’t want to be over there today with the crowd of fakes and all his ex-girlfriends posturing for attention. He didn’t love any of them hoes, except for Victoria, he had told me the last time they spoke that he was really feeling Victoria and thought she was the one for him. He barely even liked his baby momma, he just got caught on a drunk night without a condom and she knew I didn’t fuck with her at all, although I would make sure LJ his son was taken care of. I wouldn’t be giving Latreece shit though. I would make sure Lorenzo’s mom got the money to take care of LJ, she had him most of the time anyway.

I was walking towards the door when I spotted Ares. He looked good as hell, and although I barely thought twice about any dude, he always lingered in my mind each and every time I was around him. He had on dark shades so I couldn’t see his eyes but somehow I knew he was looking at me and I knew if anyone felt my pain on the loss of Lorenzo it was him. He nodded his head towards the door and I followed behind him to a hallway that leads to some offices. He opened the door and we stepped into an office.

He softly closed the door behind us and took off his shades and ran his hand down his face, when he looked at me I could literally feel the pain in his heart; to look at him made my tears brim again, but I refused to cry in front of Ares. Maybe it was because I knew what his name meant and I knew he was the God to my Goddess. His name reminded me of the strength in my own name, but I wish I didn’t have to be reminded. I wanted to be weak and have him wrap me in his arms and tell me everything would be all right, but I also didn’t want him to lie to me and I knew nothing in my life would ever be alright again.

He cleared his throat like he didn’t trust his voice to speak. “I wanted to reach out to you when it all went down, but shit I just couldn’t bring myself to, because I have been in denial about this shit. That was my ace in there. Lorenzo loved me when even my own momma didn’t give a shit about me. When I had dreams of starting my group homes he had my back and worked for free until I started making money. And some coward ass motherfuckers killed him and I couldn’t do shit to save him. By the time I got the call and made it to the scene, he could barely speak. I tried to get him to just lay still and be quiet until the ambulance came but he kept trying to talk. He said to look after LJ and Ms. Betty and to stay close to you too. He made me promise to keep you balanced. I don’t even know what that means. I promised I would and then he just stopped breathing. I started CPR on him but the more I pressed the more it seemed the blood gushed out. The paramedics had to pull me off of him when they got there. Cymph I was covered in his blood and blood is supposed to be life but his blood, his blood just signified death. And I couldn’t call you because I was so damn mad that God could take someone as good and as solid as my cousin.”

He broke down sobbing and was damn near hyperventilating and my sobs were silent but forceful, seeing a big guy like Ares broken did me in. I walked towards him and hugged him from behind and we stood like that for I don’t know how long until a warm peaceful sensation seemed to permeate throughout my body. I finally let go and Ares turned around after placing those sunglasses back over his eyes.

“Ares thank you for ensuring he didn’t die alone. I have been beating myself up about living in Georgia and how maybe if I still lived here things would have gone down differently. Lorenzo loved you like a brother, hell more than he loved his real brother. It makes me feel better knowing he knew you had his back. Do you have any idea who would have done this shit? I mean this is crazy, Lorenzo didn’t fuck with anybody. I need answers.”

“Cymph, I don’t know. I have been hearing a little chatter in the streets but not enough to put two and two together, but I think your god-sister dude Milt got something to do with this shit and if he does I’m killing that nigga.”

“Nah, you won’t even have to, because I will. I don’t like him anyway.”

“Cymph I know you loved Lorenzo but this can get crazy and dangerous. Leave this to me and a few dudes I know, no way will I forgive myself for getting you wrapped up in a mess that can turn dangerous.”

“Ares, I see Lorenzo didn’t share my secrets and I’m glad to know that. But trust when I tell you that I am more dangerous than any nigga in these streets. Lorenzo kept me balanced and I won’t rest until his death is avenged. Whether I work with you or alone, every nigga responsible will pay or my name ain’t Enyo Cymphony Caldero.”

“Wait, your name is Enyo? as in the Greek goddess of War and did you say Caldero as in Wallace Caldero’s daughter?”

“Yes to all that.”

“Damn, how the fuck did I now know who your dad was? Did Lorenzo know about you? Shit, I heard stories about you. But then everything went silent and no one knew what you really looked like or what happened to you, hell I damn near thought it was an urban legend.”

“Yes, Lorenzo knew and he didn’t treat me like I was Wallace Caldero’s daughter, he treated me like his friend Cymphony. He let me be me. And that’s why you have to understand when I say I will avenge him that I mean it.”

“Well, I guess we will be in this together after all Lorenzo did ask that I help balance you out. Shit, I never would have guessed that sweet little old you was a stone-cold killer, damn that’s sexy as hell.”

“Well keep that shit under wraps. I don’t need that information to get out or this will become way more complicated than it has to be.”

“I am heading out of here. I’ll be staying at my grandmothers’ old house on Maple. Hit me up later so we can talk more.”

“Okay I will and Cymph, be careful, you know you can trust me right?”

“I don’t know for sure, but I’m hoping I can because I know Lorenzo did. Trust for me doesn’t come easy, please don’t make me regret trusting you.”

I walked out of the office and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked away. Ares made me feel things I didn’t want to feel, but I didn’t have time to think about that, I needed to go see my god-sister Sterling and see what was up with her baby daddy Milt.

It felt weird to hear my name come off of Ares’ lips, I never went by my first name, I went by my middle name Cymphony. My father loved to tell me that he gave me the name of Enyo because I would be his little goddess of war. He raised me to be a ruthless killer and I was one of the best in hand to hand combat and could use just about any weapon thrown my way.

He would be happy to know that in the end, he won in his efforts to render me heartless, they just sealed their fate because my heart would be incinerated right along with my best friend. Murdering Lorenzo they tipped my scale and would soon realize what it meant for me to be Unbalanced.

©️ Unbalanced 2019

By Micaiah Yhisrael

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

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Kisses like Wishes

Kisses like wishes

That make dreams come true

Drawing smiley faces on papers

Lost in thoughts of you

I see traces of you and I expressed

Vicariously through watching the love of others

As I wonder how many more minutes

Before we are entrenched in the heat

And scent of one another

I wear the essence of you like perfume

It’s the sweetest of smells to me

It’s an unspoken testament of

your promise to be there for me

As you split my thighs like the Red Sea

Performed miracles to win my heart from me

Our bodies touched and souls knew

That there would never be another who’d do

The things that we do to one another

Too holy to be voodoo

Yet unholy enough to make us blush at the memories

Of just how open we are for one another

You breathed life in me and I exhaled the stress out of you

As we created a mystic language entangled in arms and legs

Exchanging energies

We don’t lose

it’s a reciprocal cycle of charging you

and you in turn recharging me

Kisses like wishes

Forever lost in thoughts of you.

~Micaiah

Dawning

She didn’t cry all the time

She ate, didn’t starve herself and lose uncalculated weight

She didn’t sleep all day or cover her head and stay in bed

She perfected the art of being “fine”

When looked upon by others

She laughed when it was appropriate and even smiled

though at times

It didn’t reach her eyes

She slept when she wasn’t tossing and turning

Yearning to be settled

Her mind raced even when she seemed at rest

Her heart knew the truth she wasn’t at her best

Her concentration was slacking

And she became misty-eyed and sentimental over the smallest of things

She worked and she prayed

And it seemed at times night morphed straight into a day

It stunted her vision and clouded her words

Made it hard for her creative mind to be heard

Yet she kept pushing day by day

To keep the heaviness of loss and grief at bay

Because she had faith to know she would one day truly be ok

So she gave herself time and permission to grieve and room to breathe

Knowing she had to work it all out in her own way

She understood implicitly sad times wouldn’t last always

And with the dawning of the Sun, there would soon be brighter days.

~Micaiah

Adrift and bereft

I haven’t written in a while. I was transitioning in my feelings from numb to grieving, once again death called a friend home and left me feeling adrift and bereft. Untethered just floating in a sea of feelings and unleashed emotions

Death is hard, but unexpected death, one not a result of some chronic or terminal illness is even harder; especially when it’s a best friend. A confidante and kindred spirit, someone that you laughingly joked about growing old with. It was surreal seeing her lifeless and so still. She had always been so lively and full of life. Her Aura would bring light to any room, but death robbed the world of her presence.

I’m a spiritual being so I know all souls belong to the Creator and are only on a short loan to those of us that live in this earthly world. Even knowing and understanding her latter end doesn’t make the pain any less intense.

Witnessing another mother bury her child is something I dread each and every time, because by nature I’m an empath and I feel things deeply and knowing I can do nothing to repair the hole left is gut wrenching. Of course I can offer help and sympathy but those things don’t touch that feeling that resides deep in one’s soul when they suffer the loss of someone close to them. I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like for a mother to lose the very person that grew inside her womb.

The older I get it seems the more prayers and condolences I extend, and yet the world keeps turning and days continue into night. And although death changes the world of those effected, the rest of the world goes on. And although at times you wish you could curl up in a ball and just forget about everything and everyone else, you can’t, because you still have life within you.

And because you inherently know you have a responsibility to keep the memory and love of the deceased alive. So you surf the waves of your grief, you allow yourself to feel, but you fight to keep your head above water because you don’t want to purposely hasten your own demise and be the cause of someone’s else’s grief.

The circle of life keeps turning much like the earth. We latch on to friends and family and every golden memory we can in an effort to establish a new normal.

That’s where I find myself, trying to find my new normal, without one of my best friend’s advice and input, one without her notes left in my library books on the hold shelf. A life that is without her text messages full of inside jokes and one that is without her book nerd humor and shared favorite authors and titles. One without her voice and knowing they’ll be no new songs sung it’s all still so hard to comprehend.

But I know she would push me forward and want me to accomplish all the goals and dreams we had discussed. She’d want to see me smile and laugh and enjoy life fully. So some way somehow I will, because to keep a smile on my face and joy in my heart may just be one of the best ways to remember her.

Missing you and loving you forever my friend

In Loving Memory of Hilakiyah Yisrael 3/10/1970-5/5/2019

~Micaiah

The Love She Needed

She contemplated all her endings

In an effort to facilitate a new beginning

She couldn’t place all the blame on them

When the endings looked so similar

yet

she was the only common denominator

The commonality of her attractions was a flaw in her character

In her need to fix others

She attracted unhealed mates that flocked to her to be healed

Only to take their healed selves elsewhere

Leaving the fixer wounded

Momentarily put off from healing another

She covered her heart in armor

Daring anyone to penetrate her self imposed fortress

She was punishing herself

Not realizing a heart locked up finds it hard to beat

Even for oneself

So she tore the wall away

Because she realized she deserved her own best efforts

Her heart was resilient and destined to thrive, to love and be loved

She changed the inconsistent and conflicted parts within herself

She reflected the love she was

And was content to love herself

until someone came along

and reflected back to her

the love she needed.

~Micaiah

Reflections of You

Take care of you; it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Despite your best efforts to always be the generous, caring, kind hearted, help everyone else out type of person.

It’s easy to become bitter after life continuously throws you lemons.

and

It’s much harder to be the bigger person in an argument, especially when it’s a clear matter of right versus wrong.

It’s easier to give in to the desires of the flesh even though you know it’s not truly worth the time and effort but sometimes the lure of instant gratification seems to look so much more tantalizing than years of a strict commitment and steadfast resolve.

But peace of mind and the ability to sleep with a clear conscience is priceless.

Energy is transferable and you have to watch the company you keep and the thoughts you keep as well.

Your thoughts have the ability to drive your actions, even subconsciously.

That’s why it’s vital to spend time in reflective thought and meditation.

To help ground and recenter yourself when life attempts to knock you off your axis

You have to find your center, your grounding force that keeps you tethered on the path towards success and fulfillment.

But more importantly tethered to the path towards happiness, inner peace and joy.

Far too often, we allow the actions or inaction of others to alter our emotions.

Good people get tired of not having their efforts reciprocated, but we can’t allow outside forces to change our inside core.

We have to take time for self-care, to recharge and replenish.

Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness and for protecting your peace of mind.

Take the time to show yourself loving care, practice daily affirming words or phrases.

Become comfortable saying no to people and situations that are a threat to your energy and or your happiness or peace of mind and do not allow guilt to creep in.

Self-preservation is a necessary part in maintaining your mental health.

Understand your own limits and triggers and don’t be afraid to express yourself and what you need.

You may love or interact with innumerable people over the course of your life, but the person that matters the most is the one you face in the mirror.

Take care of the person you see reflected there.

You matter!

~ Micaiah

Whose toes are those?

Many of us have heard the saying, “Be careful, the toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.” How many of us have taken the time to ponder the meaning of this saying? Let me say, not many. So many people are concerned with getting ahead than they are about integrity and honor.

Some people will sell their soul for a chance at success, forgetting those that held them down when the going was rough. Throwing people under the bus all for the chance of going nowhere fast. Stealing concepts and connections, reworking other people’s ideas to aid in their deception.

There is no honor amongst thieves, dream snatchers definitely apply. Dream snatchers are those people dressed up like friends, but plotting like enemies, also known as frenemies. Those people that enter your circle intending to grab and go, grab your ideas, and go make a name for themselves. We’ve all experienced this on some level.

Whether it’s the co-worker taking all the credit for your idea or a friend that runs off with your dream and attempts to make it their own, the hurt and betrayal feel the same. Those types of people rarely prosper in the long run because they don’t have the mental acumen needed for staying power. And the truth is even if someone takes the premise of your idea, they can’t take what is meant for you. Someone can’t fully birth a vision in all its magnificent glory if the vision was not given to them.

Sometimes the true blessing is in the lesson. It’s in teaching us who to entrust with our secrets and about speaking up for ourselves. Asserting our worth and claiming our work. Taking the steps to protect yourself:

  1. If you have a business idea, stop talking about and be about it.
  2. If you want to share ideas, have them sign a confidentiality clause.
  3. Trademark your brand and your personalized sayings before sharing them.
  4. Keep your circle small.
  5. Network with others with established businesses.

Stop looking to others for validation and affirmation to follow your dreams. Know that it’s ok to ask for support and prayers and be vague why they are needed, some people don’t need full disclosure because they don’t want it to be helpful, they want to be nosey. In fact, the most genuine of people are praying for you before you ever even ask.

Ideas are often like outfits; they look different on other people. Just because someone takes your idea doesn’t mean they will present it like you. They may not have the contacts you have, the drive you have, the spirit you have or the blessings you have. What is meant for you will be FOR YOU!

Tell those toe crushers you’re rocking steel-toed boots, so they must come better than that!~ Micaiah