Dawning

She didn’t cry all the time

She ate, didn’t starve herself and lose uncalculated weight

She didn’t sleep all day or cover her head and stay in bed

She perfected the art of being “fine”

When looked upon by others

She laughed when it was appropriate and even smiled

though at times

It didn’t reach her eyes

She slept when she wasn’t tossing and turning

Yearning to be settled

Her mind raced even when she seemed at rest

Her heart knew the truth she wasn’t at her best

Her concentration was slacking

And she became misty-eyed and sentimental over the smallest of things

She worked and she prayed

And it seemed at times night morphed straight into a day

It stunted her vision and clouded her words

Made it hard for her creative mind to be heard

Yet she kept pushing day by day

To keep the heaviness of loss and grief at bay

Because she had faith to know she would one day truly be ok

So she gave herself time and permission to grieve and room to breathe

Knowing she had to work it all out in her own way

She understood implicitly sad times wouldn’t last always

And with the dawning of the Sun, there would soon be brighter days.

~Micaiah

Adrift and bereft

I haven’t written in a while. I was transitioning in my feelings from numb to grieving, once again death called a friend home and left me feeling adrift and bereft. Untethered just floating in a sea of feelings and unleashed emotions

Death is hard, but unexpected death, one not a result of some chronic or terminal illness is even harder; especially when it’s a best friend. A confidante and kindred spirit, someone that you laughingly joked about growing old with. It was surreal seeing her lifeless and so still. She had always been so lively and full of life. Her Aura would bring light to any room, but death robbed the world of her presence.

I’m a spiritual being so I know all souls belong to the Creator and are only on a short loan to those of us that live in this earthly world. Even knowing and understanding her latter end doesn’t make the pain any less intense.

Witnessing another mother bury her child is something I dread each and every time, because by nature I’m an empath and I feel things deeply and knowing I can do nothing to repair the hole left is gut wrenching. Of course I can offer help and sympathy but those things don’t touch that feeling that resides deep in one’s soul when they suffer the loss of someone close to them. I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like for a mother to lose the very person that grew inside her womb.

The older I get it seems the more prayers and condolences I extend, and yet the world keeps turning and days continue into night. And although death changes the world of those effected, the rest of the world goes on. And although at times you wish you could curl up in a ball and just forget about everything and everyone else, you can’t, because you still have life within you.

And because you inherently know you have a responsibility to keep the memory and love of the deceased alive. So you surf the waves of your grief, you allow yourself to feel, but you fight to keep your head above water because you don’t want to purposely hasten your own demise and be the cause of someone’s else’s grief.

The circle of life keeps turning much like the earth. We latch on to friends and family and every golden memory we can in an effort to establish a new normal.

That’s where I find myself, trying to find my new normal, without one of my best friend’s advice and input, one without her notes left in my library books on the hold shelf. A life that is without her text messages full of inside jokes and one that is without her book nerd humor and shared favorite authors and titles. One without her voice and knowing they’ll be no new songs sung it’s all still so hard to comprehend.

But I know she would push me forward and want me to accomplish all the goals and dreams we had discussed. She’d want to see me smile and laugh and enjoy life fully. So some way somehow I will, because to keep a smile on my face and joy in my heart may just be one of the best ways to remember her.

Missing you and loving you forever my friend

In Loving Memory of Hilakiyah Yisrael 3/10/1970-5/5/2019

~Micaiah

The Love She Needed

She contemplated all her endings

In an effort to facilitate a new beginning

She couldn’t place all the blame on them

When the endings looked so similar

yet

she was the only common denominator

The commonality of her attractions was a flaw in her character

In her need to fix others

She attracted unhealed mates that flocked to her to be healed

Only to take their healed selves elsewhere

Leaving the fixer wounded

Momentarily put off from healing another

She covered her heart in armor

Daring anyone to penetrate her self imposed fortress

She was punishing herself

Not realizing a heart locked up finds it hard to beat

Even for oneself

So she tore the wall away

Because she realized she deserved her own best efforts

Her heart was resilient and destined to thrive, to love and be loved

She changed the inconsistent and conflicted parts within herself

She reflected the love she was

And was content to love herself

until someone came along

and reflected back to her

the love she needed.

~Micaiah

Reflections of You

Take care of you; it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Despite your best efforts to always be the generous, caring, kind hearted, help everyone else out type of person.

It’s easy to become bitter after life continuously throws you lemons.

and

It’s much harder to be the bigger person in an argument, especially when it’s a clear matter of right versus wrong.

It’s easier to give in to the desires of the flesh even though you know it’s not truly worth the time and effort but sometimes the lure of instant gratification seems to look so much more tantalizing than years of a strict commitment and steadfast resolve.

But peace of mind and the ability to sleep with a clear conscience is priceless.

Energy is transferable and you have to watch the company you keep and the thoughts you keep as well.

Your thoughts have the ability to drive your actions, even subconsciously.

That’s why it’s vital to spend time in reflective thought and meditation.

To help ground and recenter yourself when life attempts to knock you off your axis

You have to find your center, your grounding force that keeps you tethered on the path towards success and fulfillment.

But more importantly tethered to the path towards happiness, inner peace and joy.

Far too often, we allow the actions or inaction of others to alter our emotions.

Good people get tired of not having their efforts reciprocated, but we can’t allow outside forces to change our inside core.

We have to take time for self-care, to recharge and replenish.

Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness and for protecting your peace of mind.

Take the time to show yourself loving care, practice daily affirming words or phrases.

Become comfortable saying no to people and situations that are a threat to your energy and or your happiness or peace of mind and do not allow guilt to creep in.

Self-preservation is a necessary part in maintaining your mental health.

Understand your own limits and triggers and don’t be afraid to express yourself and what you need.

You may love or interact with innumerable people over the course of your life, but the person that matters the most is the one you face in the mirror.

Take care of the person you see reflected there.

You matter!

~ Micaiah

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